Aviod Perú if Carrying Extra Holiday Weight...

The annual holiday season has fallen upon us (excluding me because with out: 1) family, 2) cold weather, and 3) the "who can make the weirdest x-mas cookie Loury-family tradition," la navidad just will cease to exist this year) and since the birth of baby G-sus, the swarming mass of eggnog-guzzling, turkey-gobbling, and pie-pounding holiday celebrators have never failed to gain the customary 5-7 pounds. Well, my friends, in case you are thinking of coming and paying me a visit here in Chilito, hmm, say around New Years (no, I have no plans), and then heading off to our hostile neighbor, Perú, to see bomb-diggity (wouldn't know, never been there) Machu Picchu, please do so after hopping on the treadmill and pumping some iron.

I'm only looking our for your safety seeing as Peruvian police have just arrested a ring of HUMAN FAT TRAFFICKING GANGSTERS.

In case you think I'm making this appalling story up, take a gander at the article published today, by the UK's Guardian. These big-boned lovin' gentlemen seem to be taking their grisly lead from (other than Tyler Durdan from Fight Club and the movie Perfume) an ancient Quechua legend where solitary victims are ambushed (oh, SURPRISE!!), drained of their faT which is then offered to the "gods" for their auspice in fertilizing the land. Sexy. Not to mention they call them selves Pishtacos... Wahoo's anybody?!

But to be perfectly serious, this ruthless gang has murdered and manually liposucted over 60 startled citizens from Huánuco, a rural province dotted with Inca temples between the jungle and Andean peaks. Bet that's not a vacation destination in Lonely Planet. Despite the disappearance of the victims, police were not privy until about four months ago when amber liquid started appearing in Europe under the guise of anti-wrinkle cream. Which, for your educational enrichment, is worth up to £36,000 a gallon. According to the Guardian, the fatty flesh of a human contains "cosmetic applications" to keep skin supple which has absolutely baffled medical experts who wonder: "hmm, this doesn't make sense- there are so many fat people in the world yet these victims are unnecessarily being ransacked to death... why don't we just go to Arkansas and go on a government sponsored lipo-binge???" I hear the potential holiday bells of a deficit increase ringing already... But really, you Wahoo gangsters, was that all necessary??

Sorry to have sufficiently grossed you out on this lovely Friday afternoon, but sometimes you just gotta know... Knowledge. Is. Power. And now you know NOT to go to Huánuco. Happy fin de semana.