I've been shit about blogging lately. Why? The following excuses should suffice: 1) no internet in the apartment, 2) being busy at work (last week..), 3) coming down with an appalling stomach virus that virtually sucks all life from my body, 4) generally not really giving a damn. And now it's Christmas Eve, almost the new year, and I can't seem to be able to conjure up a coherent post that isn't a stream-of-conscious blab fest about everything that I'm "feeling," how "happy" I am.

Yes, I have thought about writing about the differences between my 24-year-old concept of what "Christmas" is in comparison to that of Chile and just how it can never really feel the same. How it might be one of those notions that is not flexible, that requires a specific combination of stimulants that, when rolled into one, create what is (my) holiday season. In my brain, without the requisite low temperature, without my Coloradoan home, without my family, without so incredibly many sensory (all 6 to be exact) contexts, this year, I have been completely unable to hop on the sleigh of holiday spirit. Not saying that I've become a Scroogette, just that without the proper stimulants to, I suppose, remind me that it is Christmas, I have, well, forgotten. Of course, I bought presents, decorated my apartment (with a mini tree and lights sent from M&D), forced myself to watch Love Actually and Elf, and participated in various Secret Santas. But- if none of that had been required of me, I'd have been happy to sit this one out. It feels forced. It feels, actually, confusing. I'm not supposed to wear sandals, dresses, bikinis in December. Where are the gingerbread men? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas? Not this year. The only white Christmas that will be had is me at the pool alongside LL... there's white for ya. It just isn't the same.

Which, in fact, has been somewhat of a blessing in disguise, because it has helped me in forgetting that I'm not home with my family. Forgetting that I wont see them for, what, another year? Forgetting that this is my first Christmas away from home. It's made it OK. But now, tonight, tomorrow, when the dots finally get connected, when we give gifts, when the images and stimulants start corresponding to those I have ingrained in my psyche, will it be OK? I'm guessing it will be okok- but also that I might seriously bum out. Just gotta keep reminding myself of how much worse it could be; I could, actually, be alone... I could not even be able to celebrate at all... I could be jobless and not afford to buy gifts for the people I care about... But it turns out that I'm not alone and am very fortunate, loved, cared for, able. That- is what makes a Christmas merry.

And yes, in the midst of the holiday scramble, of the locura that are the malls, streets, sidewalks, grocery stores, I considered posting about finances. While it's clearly not the most enticing or exciting subject, it is something that has been on my mind for some time. The main reason for its presence in my preoccupations, is that in Chile, I make such a minuscule salary. I make enough for one person, for me, in my mid 20's to "live" on my own, but somehow I just can't shake the thoughts of the future. As a woman, these are things I "must" consider. There is no way in hell that I could ever afford to have a family on what I make. And, yes, I can save, but nearly all of that money will go to purchasing a plane ticket to go back to Colorado for Christmas 2010. Inevitably, I had a minor panic thinking holy shit how am I gonna live on this?? Would it be much different if I went home (assuming I could actually find a job..)? It is okay because of the differences in cost of living? Living in the future is always a horrible idea- gotta live each day for its own- but you have to at least think about the future... And when I do that, I'm not so sure about what I see. Don't really see anything at the moment, to be honest. Still have no idea where life will take me, what is in store for this little Bee.
//Does anyone else worry about those things?
//Is it easier to just go with the flow, let it all pan out?
//Should I seriously just take a chill pill?¿

WHat else had I thought about writing??

Well, can't really remember, but at the end of the day I am kinda excited that it's Christmas--

Wishing everyone a Merry X-mas, Feliz Navidad, and God Jul...