The Case Against 13C

Submerged below healthcare headlines, a tattooed slu who broke Sandy's heart, and stories of priuses run amok, is the quiet, rumbling, and socially awkward debate/"underground movement" having to do with obese peeps.  Not talking Biggest Loser or the lady, who is, in fact the biggest loser of them all, who's trying to acheive great and Guiness-record-breaking fatness (emitome of appalling) -no- we're talking, my friends, about those jet-setting obesies, those flyin' fat peeps who try, to the end of their wit, to squeeeeeeeeze all of their gut n' glory into a 2x2 square of 90-degreed uncomfort.  The debate of "do they have to buy two seats?" 

As of last week, I offcially assume myself to the campaign, and say an emphatic HELL YES.

The thing is, amigos, is that before this last week, I was apathetic towards this issue.  Yeah, I'd been dealt the occasional unfortuante seat lottery, but this last time takes the cake (and devours it as well).  And when flying internationally, and, say, on a 10 hour overnight flight, you cross your little fingers with all your might, praying, hoping you don't get dealt a bad card in the roulette of plane seating.  Feverishly purchasing the ticket a week before the voyage probably didn't improve my odds, but still, I walked down the tarmac optimistic.  Get on the plane, head to row 13.  Damn.  Already hit with poor odds when I see my row is the last in that particular cabin.  Know what happens in that case?  There is an inter-cabin divider.  Which means... no reclining.  SEVERE.  Clearly my hand couldn't get worse.  I fold.  Already bored, I kneel on my 2x2 seat, facing said wall, and make a semi-irritated call to LL.  "Me toco un asiento que no reclina weon!!"  He was not amused. 

We chat for a while, le digo que lo voy a echar de menos (obvio), and I semi-relax.  Until I hang up the phone and see, to my left, a massive blob-of-a-human who'd somehow wiggled his way into the seat beside mine.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, are you KIDDING ME.  Not to be rude, but 13C was prob one of the most giant, obese humans I have ever laid eyes on.  Really. And he was wearing a MUSCLE SHIRT and SHORTS.  And was already sweating.  ARE.  YOU.  KIDDING.  ME.  This is the equivalent of gambling your life savings, losing, your wife divorcing you, getting evicted, and becoming homeless (in the gambling world of plane seating).  My semi-relaxed state exploded into an internal rage that had to be kept 100% discreet because, really, wtf am I gonna do???  "Stewardess, ahem, ahem, stewardess.  Please reseat me as I would like to not be siamesed to this sweaty mass-of-a-man for 10 hours.  THX!"  Notsomuch.  Really, you cant do anything and plus the flight was booked, so just fml big time. 

So I resigned to sulking in my now 1x2 half-sized seat and pouting.  It really, lightbulb!, brought to my attention the acutal need to mediate this sort of "issue."  Yeah it's hella uncomfortable, and people are gonna get uber pissed and offended, but, honestly, in my opinion, it's only fair for them to pay for two seats if they are actually, ahem, taking up two seats.  Which 13C was.  He was now 13CE.  Unfair!!!  This giant, and not giant because he was muscly and naturally big, obese dude was touching the whole left side of my body for 10 hours straight.  NOT SEXY!!  And let me remind you of the MUSCLE SHIRT.  Then a few hours into the flight, he had the lovely idea of further reducing my halved space and lifting up the arm-rest.  Spilling out ON TO me, I had to curl up awkwardly next to guywithheadphones to avoid his full consumption of my being.  Barf.

So whine if you will people, but for the comfort of the whole (what? the US is becoming more and more socialist as we speak) it's only fair that people weighing above a certain number be obligated to buy two seats.  Maybe it will motivate you to get in shape.  Save a few bucks.  Now, I realize that this sounds wildly ass-ish, but maybe you'll share my opinion the next time your roulette deals you the same hand.  And obviously I know there are "special circumstances" blahblahblah, but come on people.  Being healthy is a good thing.  And maybe having to fork up (hehe) mo' cash for mo' space will cause some people to realize their unhealthy habits and make a change for the better.  For the good of the people, people.